Can I be Honest?

I don’t know who needs to read it, but I had to write it.

Friday night. Drowning in schoolwork and fear of the future, but here I am watching Friends wondering if any of my pursuits are even worth it and doubting everything I have ever known. Fighting demons I thought I killed years ago, yet here they are- taunting me like a lost child in a mall. I’m fighting it- fighting being authentic because then my weaknesses just might be exposed. I’m 21, and I am tired- how is that even possible? Before I give the Jesus explanation to you and the Sunday school answer can I be real with you for a second. Can I tear down the stage set for just this song?

  • I struggle with perfectionism, sometimes it seems to fade, but other times it rears its ugly head at me.
  •   I worry that I might possibly take the wrong turn and miss the “call”.
  •   I forget to remember God’s faithfulness.
  •   I have battled it out with Jesus in the car, full on crying fest, with a few shouts…. A lot of shouts.
  •   I have a fear of being forgotten.
  •   I see broken people and I want to fix them all, but then I realize I can't and it frustrates me.
  •   I know I could love more.
  •  I have struggled with an eating disorder in my past, and sometimes it tries to make a reappearance.
  •   I remember one moment of rejection, and I dwell on it for hours…. Days.
  •   I can quote almost every hurtful word ever said to me, yet I rarely remember the compliments.
  •   I miss certain people, but I have no idea on how to reach them. 

Shall I go on…? I could, I really could.

I am human. Let me say that again.

I am human, and I think if your honest, you have felt some of those things too.

  See, the problem with all those statements, is they all start with “I”. Yes, in my own strength I will drown in this puddle of fear, but I’m not the captain of my own ship. The day I gave my life to Jesus, He took full ownership. He took the weight of my world upon His back.

 I don’t know how this story pans out. I can plan all the great adventures I want, and I can hope for the best, but in the end, He’s the script writer and my letter of recommendation is only that- a recommendation. He sees what is best. He knows what parts I am supposed to play and who I am supposed to meet. He knows what sets I am supposed to walk on.

   That terrifies me, yet in a strange way it gives me complete peace. He numbered and wrote my days before I breathed a breath, and nothing surprises Him. In all my strength I cannot thwart His plans. I am not a failure because Jesus does not make mistakes. I do not need to be perfect because the show is not about me; it’s about Him getting all the glory.

   He can handle my honest dialogues, and He can handle yours- even the scream fest and shaking fest to the heavens. What burdens your heart?

Lay it out before a Father. A dad who wants the best for His child, and will go to great lengths to see you understand His love, even death on a cross.

 Sometimes you just need to sit, sit under the weight of it all for just a moment, and then remember its He who holds the weight of the universes upon His shoulders, and in all that He carries your burdens.

He was faithful before, and He will be faithful again because He is good, and He cannot cease to be good.

This was the best Friday night I could ask for, it was a cleansing of my soul. A destruction that is actually a beautiful reconstruction.



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 It is possible to be dead with air still in your lungs. People will walk around with beating hearts, yet they will cease to have life within their bones. Doubt and fear are the assassins that come quietly to the mind, and slowly take you out.  I pose the question to you: are you dead amongst the living?

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Like a tidal wave with eternal effects we are coming to the shores of our world and we will be the change, we will build the Kingdom- it will be built on the foundations of truth and love. We will do it with great PURPOSE.

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